So I watched the new Transformers movie...
I want to say this first: The robot fights were really flipping cool. And what do you go to a Transformers movie for? Robot fights.
O.K., now that we all know where I stand, I'll mention that the rest of the movie was akin to being beaten in the head with a stupid stick. There were at least five counts of robot flatulence. The entire time Shia and Lips McGee were doing their whole "I won't say it first" shtick I was praying for Megatron to show up and do evil, explosive things to them.
Also, leaps of logic like, "I'm a random dude on a radio, and I demand you fire your extremely classified and impossibly long range weapon into mainland Egypt directly at a pyramid" are damn near criminal.
But lets face it. We've all heard the critics jump onto their high horses and parade about declaring that this movie is below them. I am not here to condemn an already shit-upon movie. Nay, (no pun intended) I am here to defend it!
How do you defend a movie where robots hump legs and humans go to robot heaven? Easy. Let us all go back to the beginning: this is a movie based on a cartoon series based on a toy. Transformer toys are Tonka trucks that turn into ugly people. The age range on that starts at two and ends at frickin' thirteen at best. What the critics don't realize is that they've been duped. We have all spent countless dollars to watch the most expensive, glorified CHILDREN'S movie in decades.
So bring on the fart jokes, little robo-humper. Bring on the loose-toothed cane hobbling antics, grandpabot. As long as Optimis Prime is in his rightful place as true ass kicker of the universe, then all is good. And he was.
Pick on someone your own size, critics: I hear the Jonas Brothers are coming out with a real winner.